Americans and Germans enjoy drinking beer, but we all hate tasting it. That’s why in America we chill it to just above its freezing point, so that it numbs our taste buds as we force it down. Miller Lite at 1°C is the perfect beer, because even at room temperature, it is almost flavorless.
Germans are pretty good at making beer, too; but since they love the environment so much, they refuse to spend the energy to cool their beer to our standards. Instead Germans have the audacity to mix things into their beer to make it more “palatable”. Germans have the beer purity law, the Reinheitsgebot, dating way back from 1516, which states that beer shall consist of nothing more than water, barley, and hops. Germans have been ignoring this law in the following ways ever since:
The Radler (also known as Alster in High German - you won’t be leaving Bavaria, so you don’t need to know this) is the most common and least offensive beer mixture. It is created by mixing a helles or Pils and Schprite (or any other lemon-lime drink) to create a bitter-sweet beverage, which is quite refreshing on warm summer’s day.
The Russnmaß steps it up a notch in creating a bad tasting drink. This is formed by joining Weißbier and lemon-lime. A side note here, if you decide to buy the cuckoo clock and have to go to the Black Forest: Anytime you order a Weißbier in Baden-Württemburg, the waitress will always act confused, and ask you if you meant Hefeweizen, even though it says Weißbier right on the bottle. Schwabs will tell you that’s because they have some thing called Kristallweizen, and they want to make sure, that they understand want you want, but we know it’s just because Germans always feel the need to correct you.
The Bananenweizen, or its ugly sister Kirschweizen (aka Heba and Heki in High German), is a mixture of Weißbier and banana juice or cherry juice, respectively. Weißbier has a hint of banana taste on its own, so it seems natural to mix it with banana juice. Don’t do it. It’s disgusting. Just be happy that such a thing as banana juice exists at all. It’s pretty good. Don’t ruin it.
The Forest Master Berliner Weisse takes the cake for the absolute worst idea ever put into practice in Germany. Stay far, far away from this Jello flavored beer.
Don’t fall victim to any of these travesties. You will spend most of your time in Munich, so just order an Augustiner Helles or Schneider Weisse and be happy. If you venture into the Black Forest, get a Tannenzäpfle. If you get stuck anywhere else in Germany, see if you can find an MGD.
deutsche Übersetzung für Astrid aus/einbleden
Einen fröhlichen guten Tag, Astrid!
Hier die Übersetzung:
Was nicht kaputt ist, muss man auch nicht reparieren
Amerikaner und Deutsche trinken gerne Bier, aber wir alle hassen den Geschmack. Deshalb kühlen wir es in Amerika bis knapp über dem Gefrierpunkt, so dass es unsere Geschmacksnerven betäubt, wenn wir es herunterzwingen. Miller Lite bei 1°C ist das perfekte Bier, weil es sogar bei Raumtemperatur fast geschmacksneutral ist.
Deutsche sind auch recht gut in der Herstellung von Bier, aber weil sie die Umwelt so lieben, weigern sie sich, ihr Bier auf unseren Standard herunterzukühlen. Stattdessen besitzen Deutsche die Dreistigkeit, andere Sachen in ihr Bier zu mixen, um es “schmackhafter” zu machen. Die Deutsche haben das Reinheitsgebot, das weit zurück im Jahre 1516 gemacht wurde, das besagt, dass Bier nur aus Wasser, Malz und Hopfen bestehen darf. Die Deutschen haben dieses Gesetz seitdem folgendermassen ignoriert:
Das Radler (auch bekannt als Alster auf hochdeutsch-aber da Sie Bayern nicht verlassen werden, müssen Sie dies nicht wissen) ist das am meisten verbreitete und am wenigsten widerliche Biermixgetränk. Es wird gemacht, indem man ein Helles oder Pils mit Schprite (oder jedem anderen Zitronensprudel) mixt, um ein bitter-süßes Getränk herzustellen, das an einem warmen Sommertag recht erfrischend ist.
Das Russnmaß bringt es noch eine Stufe höher, wenn es um die Herstellung von schlecht schmeckenden Getränken geht. Hier vermischt man Weißbier und Zitronensprudel. Eine Bemerkung am Rand: wenn sie sich zum Kauf der Kuckucksuhr entscheiden und in den Schwarzwald fahren müssen: Jedes Mal, wenn Sie ein Weißbier in Baden-Württemberg bestellen, wird die Kellnerin verwirrt tun und fragen, ob Sie vielleicht ein Hefeweizen meinen, auch wenn sogar direkt auf der Flasche das Wort “Weißbier” steht. Die Schwaben werden dies damit begründen, dass es ein Getränk gibt, das “Kristallweizen” heisst und sie sicher gehen möchten, dass sie richtig verstehen, was Sie wollen, aber sie tun es nur, weil Deutsche immer das Verlangen haben, Sie zu verbessern.
Das Bananenweizen, oder seine hässliche Schwester, das Kirschweizen (auch bekannt als Heba und Heki auf Hochdeutsch), ist ein Gemisch aus Weißbier und Bananensaft, beziehungsweise Kirschsaft. Weißbier hat selbst einen Hauch von Bananengeschmack, so erscheint es einem natürlich, es mit Bananensaft zu mixen. Tun Sie es nicht. Es schmeckt ekelhaft. Freuen Sie sich einfach nur, dass es überhaupt so etwas wie Bananensaft gibt. Er schmeckt recht gut. Ruinieren Sie es nicht.
Das Waldmeister Berliner Weisse hält den ersten Platz für die Umsetzung der schlechtesten Idee Deutschlands. Halten Sie sich ganz weit fern von diesem Bier mit Wackelpuddinggeschmack.
Werden Sie nicht Opfer einer dieser Perversionen. Sie werden Ihre meiste Zeit in München verbringen, also bestellen Sie einfach Augustiner Helles oder Schneider Weisse und seien Sie glücklich. Wenn Sie sich in den Schwarzwald wagen, bestellen Sie ein Tannenzäpfle. Wenn Sie irgendwo anders in Deutschland feststecken, versuchen sie, irgendwo ein Miller Genuine Draught zu finden.
Mit liebevollen Grüßen,
John
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May 22nd, 2008 at 2:20 pm
Well, you forgot
Diesel, which is a mixture of Helles or Pils with Cola. Also refreshing, like Radler.
Krischan
May 22nd, 2008 at 2:23 pm
sounds as bad as cola weizen. yuck.
May 22nd, 2008 at 2:35 pm
Nice post
but you’ve missed all the coke & beer mixes (like Frankenheim Blue).
For more informations about Biermixgetränke look here: http://www.abseits.de/biermix.htm (German)
May 22nd, 2008 at 2:41 pm
No suprise there, with the people getting confused if one orders a Weizen.
It’s simple, noone of sound mind would order a weizen, or call it weißbier, so the waitress, while she got a first impression of one being a thinking human being, is suprised that one shows the blatant lack of brainspace by ordering such a horrid drink…
May 22nd, 2008 at 3:17 pm
Picking on German beer… now you’re really in trouble!
May 22nd, 2008 at 3:23 pm
Go Rothaus!
May 22nd, 2008 at 4:03 pm
Hey where is my “Krefelder” or also called “Alt Cola”?
You didn’t mentioned it and this mixture can you buy already in bottles. I think it was called “blue” by Warsteiner.
Gosh…I miss it. Try to mix here Ale and coke, but it never taste the same and the bartenders often think I am crazy to mix it.
May 22nd, 2008 at 4:05 pm
“Germans are pretty good at making beer, too; [..]”
“Too”? Like who? Americans? I’m sure you mean Belgians or the British, right?
May 22nd, 2008 at 4:05 pm
“Miller Lite at 1°C is the perfect beer”
Wow! I’m pretty sure there is a law somewhere that causes one to be immediately deported from Germany for such a comment.
May 22nd, 2008 at 4:13 pm
Germans hate tasting german beer? Are you serious?
It’s true, lately they’ve been mixing every crap they could find with our poor innocent beer. So you get disgusting products like apple beer, energy beer, tequila curuba beer, dragonfruit beer and other stuff you wouldn’t poison a rat with. The whole mess started with ‘Karlsberg Mixery’, which is beer + cola + X according to their ad. They won’t tell what the ‘X’ is, not that anyone cared. I’ve always been sure that it’s used plaster and cough syrup. But no sane male person would drink any of this ‘Plörre’ as we call it. They invented it only to get the youth and women as customers. It’s early customer retention: until you’re old enough to have the maturity to appreciate real beer and then become a conventional after work alcoholic, you get yourself hammered drinking such bottled [crap] together with your friends while hanging around in front of the ‘LIDL’ store. Simple as that. :]
Editor’s Note: Sorry, Mom… beer and swear words in the same day.
May 22nd, 2008 at 4:19 pm
> [Radler] is created by mixing a helles or Pils
Radler with Pils in Bavaria? NEVER!
Jochen from Munich, Bavaria
May 22nd, 2008 at 4:22 pm
Berliner Weiße ist green or red, in it’s “natural form”. Current new mixes like with peach are just disgusting. The mixture of the very very sour beer with Waldmeister sirup (green) ist perfect on warm sunny days. But make sure, that you get a “hand made mix” and none of these pre-mixed beers in a bottle.
May 22nd, 2008 at 4:24 pm
Please add email comments to this great blog so that we can get the answers via mail
May 22nd, 2008 at 4:28 pm
Just do me a favour !
Do not mix German Beer.
And do me another favour !
Do not stay in Munich.
Just travel to the “Nordsee” , visit “Ostfriesland” and drink the best Beers ever : Jever / Flensburger / Holsten .
May 22nd, 2008 at 4:38 pm
altough it’s not german but austrian, i’d likte to add the “tiroler”: beer mixed with white wine
May 22nd, 2008 at 4:46 pm
Forest Master? I assume this is meant tongue in cheek. But if you really have English speaking readers, for their benefit I might add, that the plant, that it called “Waldmeister” in German is the Woodruff in English.
May 22nd, 2008 at 5:18 pm
ehm… There ist still something missing: DRECKSSACK. Kölsch, mixed with Coke.
And (hopefully) last but not least the U-BOOT, which means “submarine”! How to mix? Follow these steps:
1. Pour Korn (or Vodka or something else, it only has to be schnaps) into a “Pinnchen” (small glass).
2. Put the small glass into a bigger (beer-)glass.
3. Fill the (beer-)glass carefully with beer without mixing Korn and beer as little as possible.
4. ENJOY!!!
*uarlgh*
May 22nd, 2008 at 6:32 pm
@Dex: Kölsch is not beer. It’s always fun having people from the Colone area up here, stating how much “beer” they are used to consume. Then they learn the difference between beer and the yellow coloured water they have been used to.
@John: You should try real woodruff drinks like Maibowle that is not made with sirup but with plants. They have to wilt a little, as the aroma is a product of decomposition, then you hang it into white wine for some time. Later you add a little champagne for the sparkles.
I also tried selfmade woodruff cola (again with plants, not sirup) and it was quite refreshing. Be careful not to use too much woodruff for the drinks as it will cause headaches.
May 22nd, 2008 at 6:54 pm
Hmm why do you even cool down american beer when it tastes like water anyway?
)
But i must agree, german beer which actually has some (often rather nasty) taste is too often way to warm.
As for all those beer-soft drink mixes. I think they were invented to get women effectivly drunk as well (an yup, it works…with me at least
May 22nd, 2008 at 7:31 pm
Give dark beers a chance. They’re worth it. Augustiner Dunkles is a wonderful thing. Unfortunately it’s even much better than every Saxonian Schwarzbier I know.
May 22nd, 2008 at 7:53 pm
Wozu gibt es das Reinheitsgebot, wenn die Leute nachher irgendwelche Schweinereien reinkippen? Es gibt Kneipen, die verlangen einen Ekel-Aufschlag von 20 Cent für sowas.
Ich kenn Bananen-Weizen als Schwuchtel-Hefe. Das sagt doch wohl alles.
Und bevor ich irgendwas bier-artiges bestelle, was auf “Lite” endet, trink ich lieber direkt Wasser.
Kölsch ist sowieso das Beste. Wer meint, Kölsch sei kein Bier, präsentiert nur sein geballtes Unwissen.
May 22nd, 2008 at 7:53 pm
for heavens sake, leave Bavaria. This is not Germany. Not at all. Nobody would think that Arkansas as typical amreican? Apart from the Clintons maybe. But after all there is no place like home …
May 22nd, 2008 at 8:53 pm
Beer breweries are a small to medium sized business in Germany. That’s what it makes it so likable. Every area has one to several beer brands and specialties of its own. Tasting local beer is a good way to discover Germany.
May 22nd, 2008 at 9:00 pm
In the Kurpfalz we have Heidelberg’s Schlosspils, Mannheim’s Eichbaum, Ludwigshafen’s Meier’s and Schwetzingen’s Welde. And the beer museum where you can taste 150 other brands. Doesn’t matter if it is from another German region or China’s Tsingtao. Cheers to the Nordsee, Cologne and Bavarian Guys. I Think you have the same on your side.
May 22nd, 2008 at 11:16 pm
Tannenzäpfle is alright, but it’s not the best. It’s made by Gelbfüßler, so it’s not beloved by the swabian crowd.
Conclusion:
drink Alpirsbacher - DLG prämiert
May 23rd, 2008 at 7:11 am
@Martin,
heyhey, ‘A Zäpfle isch great
There isnt much (famous) swabian Bier you can drink - P/Dinkelacker, Hofbräu…disgusting. Schwaben Bräu is really good, but for good swabian beer you have to get some from smaller breweries. Neckarmüller i.e.
Never drink Eichbaum - there are some strange rumors about the water and a cemetary… and it’s from “Assi”-Mannheim
May 23rd, 2008 at 7:40 am
There are some good beers from the US. But they never make it outside the country. The crap ones do…
As for “Biermischgetränke”, Radler is an absolute classic and not a disgrace. Very refreshing and a good choice if you have to drive.
Colaweizen is good if you want to drink for hours and hours without actually getting drunk. But once you’re 18, you should stop drinking it.
May 23rd, 2008 at 11:42 am
You got it a tiny bit wrong: Radler and Alster are not the same. Radler is with Sprite, Alster is with Fanta.
May 23rd, 2008 at 12:09 pm
@ Zalira
Alster and Radler ARE the same - I’m living in Hamburg close to the Alster and here Alsterwasser, or shortened Alster, is made of Beer and Sprite. It is as clear as tabbed Water - just yellowish. This couldn’t be if it whould be made with Fanta. But I have too seen a Beer-Fanta Mix, this time called Radler. and in swizerland they call a Radler/Alster Panasch.
May 23rd, 2008 at 12:19 pm
*lol* I think it’s pretty crazy what people but in their beer; I myself can’t touch the stuff. But Markus is so right, Kölsch is a funny beer. Last time I was in the area I was so thirsty after the long trip and just drank two Kölsch in one go. When I ordered more the waitress thought I was making fun of her or wanted to bully her around … and I was just still thirsty after those tiny drinks.
May 23rd, 2008 at 12:50 pm
I am so sorry but imho amrican beer is like making love to a girl in a canoe. Both is f***ing close to water. So nobdy has to cool it down anyway.
May 23rd, 2008 at 1:12 pm
You forgot the “Goaßnmaß” which consists of dark beer or Hefeweizen, cola and brandy (some may use Cherry-Liqueur).
May 23rd, 2008 at 4:04 pm
No one has mentioned Alt-Schuss. Altbier with Cola. That’s probably the only beer mix I enjoy.
May 23rd, 2008 at 5:40 pm
Thank you so much for you translation of “Waldmeister”. I think “Forest Master” fits perfectly, but nobody else did…since you brought it up! Thank you!!! But maybe it will be still the running gag in my hostfamily….:-)
May 24th, 2008 at 9:19 am
You forgot the “Herrengedeckt”, Beer that comes with a Schnaps along.
May 25th, 2008 at 5:32 pm
in my region, radler is a lemonade beer mix, while alster is a lemonade alt mix o0.
May 25th, 2008 at 6:21 pm
Ok, first of all, there is only one city in the whole country where “Alt” qualifies as beer, same goes for “Koelsch”. So stop bothering the rest of us with filth like Altschuss or Koelschwhatever.Cola-Weizen, “Goaßnmaß”??? , are u f*****g kiddin’ me, what sick and twisted mindset you have to be in to even call this a drink. “Herrengedeck” comes in seperate glasses, so its not even a mixed drink. Alster is made with sprite, Radler is with Fanta, a 5 year-old would know that, so stop argueing about it.
As a german I have to admit, we are f******g smart-asses, unfortunately not all of us are that smart.
May 26th, 2008 at 11:22 am
“Germans have the beer purity law, the Reinheitsgebot, dating way back from 1516, which states that beer shall consist of nothing more than water, barley, and hops. Germans have been ignoring this law in the following ways ever since…”
That’s just not true, because the beer mixed drinks are no beer anymore. And no German would think of it as beer.
It’s just a kind of beer-longdrink.
I mean, if you would mix Scotch whiskey with coke, you wouldn’t think of it as Single Malt whiskey, would you?
May 27th, 2008 at 5:01 am
I love Bananaweizen. Wonderful taste and really refreshing at right temperature.
May 27th, 2008 at 3:35 pm
“I mean, if you would mix Scotch whiskey with coke, you wouldn’t think of it as Single Malt whiskey, would you?”
If you would mix Single-Malt-Whisky with Coke, I wouldn’t think of you as scottish
May 27th, 2008 at 3:48 pm
@Dent: Radler with Fanta? No way! It is with Sprite. Never saw it with Fanta … *uah*
@Martin: Here is an Alpirsbacher-Fan too, only original with the Mönch
May 28th, 2008 at 12:17 pm
Forest master, huh???
‘Waldmeister’ is a herb (now unfortunately prohibited as food additive in its natural form, due to some alleged drug-like qualities), and if you use the Inofficial Wikipedia Translation Service (just press the language you want on the right navigation bar beside the article), you get woodruff, which is a herb theoretically also known in the English-speaking world. ‘Forest master’ my foot!!
It is an interesting herb; I would even predict that it’s a good contender for the Trendy Herb of the Decade for the next decade (you know, what basil was in the eighties, arugula in the nineties, and wild garlic is currently). It is also the most german of herbs and flavours. In all other countries, green colour in sweets means peppermint, or, at a stretch, apple. Not so in Germany. In Germany, green colour suggests woodruff flavour (artificial; see above).
May 30th, 2008 at 11:33 am
Schprite … thanks for paying attention to the details.
May 30th, 2008 at 11:35 am
And Alpirsbacher rules!
May 30th, 2008 at 9:21 pm
Every time someone asks you something along the lines of “Are you serious?”, I cringe a little …
June 4th, 2008 at 2:36 pm
Tannenzäpfle rules the World!
Everyone try it if you get the chance. But drink more then one. It a bit a acquired taste.
Waldhaus is pretty good too, but hard to get.
And in Bavaria, drink Weissbier, it’s always good.
PS: Weisbier is Hefeweizen everywhere outside Bavaria is really important. Remember this if you like to order like a pro. *g*
June 7th, 2008 at 10:28 pm
I just came back from Essen & Cologne. In the cities I was in, Radler was beer (Pils) mixed with Sprite and Alster was beer (Pils) mixed with Orange Fanta. I had the waiter explain this to me the first time I ordered one, so I would know exactly what I was ordering.
I have to say, the Alster was supergood…perhaps because I don’t like Pils so much and it took the bitterness off the drink for me.
From looking at the responses here, I think what a “Radler” and “Alster” is made with must vary by region.
Tried Erdinger brand beer..that was great..no mixers needed.
June 23rd, 2008 at 1:36 pm
I always mix beer and cola, and every American friend who has tried it so far liked it!!! Maybe that’s because American beer WITHOUT cola tastes so horrible…
June 23rd, 2008 at 2:32 pm
Monty Python said it in the hollywood bowl.
American beer is like making love in a canoe.
F***ing close to water
June 28th, 2008 at 12:18 pm
Try “Schwarze Mass” or “Bumba Mass” in Bavaria. It’s a mix of dark, strong beer, Coke and Snaps. It’s a killer.
b.t.w. my bavarian friends told me that Banana Weizen is a drink for queers and pimps, no bavarian will ever drink this.
June 28th, 2008 at 5:25 pm
“Germans have been ignoring this law in the following ways ever since:”
The point is that you are not allowed to sell a drink as beer, if you used something else like water, barley, and hops to brew it.
So a Radler is not an actual beer. As correctly described it is a mix of beer and lemonade. But there is no law which prohibits mixing beer with something else.
June 28th, 2008 at 7:52 pm
“But there is no law which prohibits mixing beer with something else.”
Otherwise it would be illegal to spit into your beer mug!
June 29th, 2008 at 9:45 am
Don’t forget CAB (cola and beer)…flavored with dragonfruit!! Ah, the ingenuity of German engineering!
July 24th, 2008 at 2:49 pm
You’re complaining about Bananenweizen but at the same time you’re defending the most horrible, gut-wrenching beverage ever, Root Beer Float?