When you travel to Germany, you are on a mission to accomplish the following tasks:
- Go to the Hofbräuhaus: If you are female, to get a picture of yourself dancing to polka music with a guy wearing lederhosen with a huge mustache. If you are male, to get a guy wearing lederhosen with a huge mustache to share their schnupftabak with you. Both males and females must buy either a Hofbräuhaus sweatshirt or t-shirt to indicate their success.
- Drink a beer out of a 1-liter glass, which you can steal as a cool souvenir. Extra points if this is stolen from a beer garden. Also gives you the chance to say things like, “I don’t like beer, but in Germany I do,” to further propagate the idea that mixing water, hops, and barley produces a delicious concoction only when it is done in Belgium, Ireland, or Germany.
- Visit the castle Neuschwanstein, take a picture, and exclaim, “It looks just like Disneyland!!!”.
- See really old stuff.
- Tell everyone you meet how everything is bigger in America.
Unfortunately, German culture might get in the way of you happily carrying out your tasks, and since you have probably only alloted 1 day of your trip to Europe for Germany, you’ve got to be quick, and more importantly you need to plan ahead. Here are some tips:
- Don’t give up on coffee. You don’t have to suffer through European coffee anymore in Germany, now they have Starbucks in Germany, too. Try to go to the inner city of any major town to get your daily tall skinny double decaf latte. Germans will try to tell you to try a cafe macchiato or something. Don’t listen to them.
- Bring your own nonperishables. If you don’t have American snacks with you, you might be forced to sample local products. You might not enjoy these local treats as much as the ones you are used to, so don’t take any chances. (Snickers is available if you run out and need to buy some good chocolate.)
- Use the Embassy. Travel by car, not by train, so that you can tour the country at your own pace, and you can stop at the golden arches along the highway to compare the Big Macs to Big Mäcs.
- Make sure the one day you spend in Germany is not a Sunday. Germany is mostly welcoming to tourists, but there is one thing they aren’t flexible on, and that is letting you do stuff on Sunday. Be prepared for a boring day of museums if you make this mistake.
- Plan to be in Munich for dinner. There is a Planet Hollywood there, so not only are you going to get some food you actually like, you can also get another cool t-shirt that says “Munich” on it, so that you can let your friends back home know that you have also done the whole Europe thing, too.
deutsche Übersetzung für Astrid ein/ausblenden
Hey, Astrid,
hier die Übersetzung:
Leitfaden - Deutschland erfahren, ohne sich von deutscher Kultur stören zu lassen
Eine Reise nach Deutschland ist eine Mission, um folgende Aufgaben zu erfüllen:
- Gehen Sie ins Hofbräuhaus: sollten Sie weiblich sein, machen Sie ein Foto von sich und einem Mann, der Lederhosen und einen riesigen Schnauzbart trägt, während Sie zu Polkamusik tanzen. Sollten Sie männlich sein, bringen Sie einen Mann, der Lederhosen und einen riesigen Schnauzbart trägt dazu, seinen Schnupftabak mit Ihnen zu teilen. Beide Geschlechter müssen entweder einen Hofbräuhaus-Pullover oder -T-Shirt kaufen, um Ihren Erfolg zu zeigen.
- Trinken Sie ein Bier aus einem Maßkrug, den Sie als Mitbringsel stehlen sollten. Es gibt Extrapunkte, wenn er in einem Biergarten gestohlen wird. Es gibt Ihnen ausserdem die Möglichkeit, Dinge zu sagen wie “Ich mag kein Bier, aber in Deutschland schon” um die Idee zu verbreiten, dass Wasser, Hopfen und Malz zu mixen ein leckeres Gebräu ergibt, lediglich wenn es in Belgien, Irland oder Deutschland gemacht wird.
- Besuchen Sie Schloß Neuschwanstein, machen Sie ein Foto und rufen Sie gleichzeitg “Es sieht genauso aus wie Disneyland!”.
- Sehen Sie sich alte Sachen an.
- Erzählen Sie jedem, den Sie treffen, dass in Amerika alles grösser ist
Unglücklicherweise wird die deutsche Kultur zwischen Sie und Ihre Aufgaben kommen, und da Sie wahrscheinlich nur einen Tag Ihrer Europareise für Deutschland eingeplant haben, müssen Sie schnell sein, und sogar wichtiger, Sie müssen voraus planen. Hier sind einige Tipps:
- Geben Sie das Kaffeetrinken nicht auf. Sie müssen nicht mehr unter dem europäischen Kaffee leiden, wenn Sie in Deutschland sind, es gibt dort jetzt auch Starbucks. Versuchen Sie ins Stadtzentrum einer beliebigen Hauptstadt zu gehen, um Ihren täglichen grossen skinny double decaf latte zu kriegen. Die Deutschen werden versuchen, Sie zu einem Cafe Macchiato oder etwas Ähnlichem zu überreden. Hören Sie nicht auf sie.
- Bringen Sie Ihre eigenen haltbaren Lebensmittel mit.Wenn Sie keine amerikanischen Produkte dabei haben, müssen Sie eventuell lokale Produkte probieren. Sie werden diese eventuell nicht so gerne mögen wie die, an die Sie gewöhnt sind, also riskieren Sie es einfach nicht (Snickers gibt es überall, falls Sie nichts mehr haben und gute Schokolade haben möchten).
- Benutzen Sie das Embassy. Fahren Sie mit dem Auto, nicht mit dem Zug, so dass Sie das Land in Ihrer eigenen Geschwindigkeit bereisen können und auf der Autobahn bei dem goldenen M Halt zu machen, um Big Macs mit Big Mäcs zu vergleichen.
- Stellen Sie sicher, dass der eine Tag, den Sie in Deutschland verbringen, kein Sonntag ist. Deutschland ist meistens offen für Touristen, aber es gibt eine Sache, bei der Sie nicht flexibel sind, und das ist, Sie etwas an einem Sonntag machen zu lassen. Bereiten Sie sich auf einen langeweiligen Tag in Museen ein, wenn Sie diesen Fehler machen.
- Planen Sie, zum Abendessen in München zu sein. Es gibt dort ein Planet Hollywood, so dass Sie nicht nur Essen bekommen, das Sie tatsächlich mögen, Sie können ausserdem ein weiteres cooles T-Shirt kaufen auf dem “Munich” steht, so dass Sie Ihre Freunde zu Hause wissen lassen können, dass Sie auch diese einmalige Erfahrung in Europa gemacht haben.
Trink einen Kaffee für mich mit,
John
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May 14th, 2008 at 6:35 pm
And if you rent a car to check out the Autobahn, make sure it’s a Chrysler. German cars just suck.
Btw, there are stores everywhere open 24/7, we call them “Tanke” - you get all you need if you’re willing to pay for it
May 14th, 2008 at 7:18 pm
I have been there a few weeks ago: http://www.das-koenigliche-wir.de/blog/?p=278
AND:
Latte Macchiato !!
May 14th, 2008 at 7:53 pm
I have to say, I disagree with almost everything you’ve written today
May 14th, 2008 at 8:10 pm
Steal a Bierkrug and get a free 4-week stay in Germany:
http://www.hannoverforum.de/showthread.php?t=3134
May 14th, 2008 at 8:16 pm
Don’t forget to come to Dresden, stand before the Semper Opera (world famous opera house) and say loud and clear: “Oh, look, it’s the beer plant!” (You will only understand this if you have actually seen the Radeberger beer commercial)
No faster way to get in contact with the locals
May 14th, 2008 at 8:39 pm
Germany is not only Bavaria :p
May 14th, 2008 at 10:19 pm
@Vinni: Well, task 4 applies to the rest of Germany too, doesn’t it? (”See really old stuff.”)
And as for his tips: All of them, except no. 5, apply to all of Germany.
May 14th, 2008 at 10:33 pm
So you’re calling Snickers a good chocolate? You don’t even know what chocolate is! Americans just don’t know how to produce good chocolate. It’s a fact, Wikipedia, will tell you
May 14th, 2008 at 11:06 pm
Hi John, i really enjoy reading your blog about us germans. Too bad so many of my countrymen just don’t get it, as it seems
But you forgot one really important thing that EVERY U.S. resident should try while in Germany: take the InterCityExpress (ICE), a highspeed-train.
I once had a guest from Pittsburgh, PA and we went by train from Duisburg to Amsterdam. She was absolutely fascinated by the experience to go by train at 186 mp/h and arrive in another country 3 hours later.
And she liked Amsterdam as well
May 15th, 2008 at 12:38 am
Now, with this latest entry you are really trying to test the irony detectors of your readership, aren’t you? ;))
Beside of this, please keep up the good work - your website is indeed quite funny for a native German (… but it is really useful for US-guys who have never been to the Fatherland?)
May 15th, 2008 at 5:31 am
beer is also good when made in the czech republic
May 15th, 2008 at 7:15 am
More splitting hairs:
1. There’s no such thing as ‘Schnufftabak’. Maybe you meant ‘Schnupftabak’.
2. ‘machiato’ is spelled ‘macchiato’.
Still waiting for a good post…
May 15th, 2008 at 7:39 am
[…] How to travel in Germany without being bothered by German cultureWhen you travel to Germany, you are on a mission to accomplish the following tasks:. Go to the Hofbräuhaus: If you are female, to get a picture of yourself dancing to polka music with a guy wearing lederhosen with a huge mustache. … […]
May 15th, 2008 at 8:23 am
@ Starstuff: How funny. Can’t wait to see tourists doing that. Another way would be to ask about the Waldschlößchenbrücke.
@John: Germany is more than Bavaria. I really don’t know why everybody goes there. It’s beautiful but there are so many other towns. You really should try Dresden. It is in my opinion the most beautiful town in Germany. But I’m a local so I’m biased.
May 15th, 2008 at 8:56 am
Dresden is indeed the most beautiful City in Germany. And i am no local (at least until August 2008 *g*)
But there are some Towns which get near this beauty: Weimar or Heidelberg as examples
May 15th, 2008 at 9:04 am
“I really don’t know why everybody goes there.”
For beer
May 15th, 2008 at 10:24 am
Hey but our beer is brewn in an opera house… beat that
May 15th, 2008 at 11:25 am
Bavaria is our Disneyland. People dress in funny costumes and everything is kitschy and overpriced. You just shouldn’t mistake it for the real world
May 15th, 2008 at 11:52 am
@ Luke: Let me just say a word with the words of Ferris Bueller’s sister Jeanie whom most people call Shauna: Why don’t you go p… on the flagpole.
You obviously missed the point of this blog and you’re lacking self- irony, not to mention the sarcasm meter… just get lost.
Great blog, carry on guys
May 15th, 2008 at 12:12 pm
Ich freue mich jeden Tag über neuen Artikel hier. Das ist fast wie Seven of Nine auf der Voyager.
May 15th, 2008 at 12:51 pm
Well, funny, funny…but we have good German candy. You don’t need Snickers! Our chocolate is way better!! And we have great icecream as well. As was said before..Germany is not only Bavaria! But I think Neuschwanstein was actually the model for your Disneyland castle!
Ha..
May 15th, 2008 at 1:08 pm
Dear Hugo,
Let me assure you that I am fully aware of the point of this blog. I just happen to have my own opinion about it.
The point of this blog is to talk about Germany’s (and the Germans’) quirks in an entertaining way. I know that it is of course not to be taken seriously. Do you think I’m actually offended by this? I would have been if I were new to the whole exaggerating-stereotypes-game. I’ve read enough toy town rants. I’ve listened to the complaints of my American girl friend many a time. All the topics here are “old hats”.
I was hoping for real satire (witty, intelligent, the kind that makes you think…) which is not being offered here. You’re right, this site is not for me, maybe I should take your advice and leave never to return…
But maybe I’ll just stick around, lurking in the shadows with my friends, all wearing matching hiking outfits. And then - when you least expect it - we’re gonna take off our clothes (revealing unshaven armpits) and shake your hands continuously making you feel uncomfortable… self irony my ass!
After this, I’m gonna go outside and enjoy overtly drinking alcohol in public before the EU outlaws it…
HTH
Luke
May 15th, 2008 at 1:29 pm
While we’re at it, I have to recommend the town of Görlitz. While in Dresden make sure to have a trip to Görlitz’s picturesque Old Town. That’s where they shot the Paris scenes for the flic “In 80 days around the world” w/ Jackie Chan btw. When my wife and I were they to visit my brother we originally planned to spend one day or two in Dresden too. Well, we remained in Görlitz the whole time b/c of it’s urban beauty… though next time we’re gonna see Dresden too I guess
May 15th, 2008 at 2:26 pm
I never thought Görlitz could become something like a hot spot for tourists.. used to be the worst town in Saxony for a while
May 15th, 2008 at 3:26 pm
They get 1 Million € a year from an anonymous sponsor to restore the old town there in Görlitz. But it is nice there, indeed. And you can buy cheap cigarettes in Poland, which is right over the bridge there.
May 15th, 2008 at 3:37 pm
Thanks for the spell-checking Luke.
May 15th, 2008 at 3:40 pm
“Bavaria is our Disneyland…”
sehr geil
May 15th, 2008 at 6:20 pm
No problem ;).
May 16th, 2008 at 12:45 am
hey i’m wondering why the official planet hollywood website doesn’t have any info about a restaurant in munich. there might have been one but it probably went out of business for some reason.
May 16th, 2008 at 6:48 pm
john,
thanks for helping me achieve 1-5 while i was there. don’t forget about 6. sniff tobacco and 7. make an ass out of yourself with some italian girls
May 17th, 2008 at 3:13 pm
I really cannot regard to any American citizen to visit Dresden - it will ruin your imagination of a former socialist country: Apart from Prohlis most apartment blocks are already painted. No more grey walls anywhere.
And even Chemnitz (former Karl-Marx-Stadt) is not as lousy as it is told. So better forget about everything apart from Bavaria and concentrate on the REAL Germany, like Neuschwanstein or Rothenburg ob der Tauber.
May 18th, 2008 at 8:24 am
I love Snickers, but I would not consider it good chocolate.
I haven’t seen any country yet where I can get better chocolate and in as many varities as in Germany, in Switzerland perhaps, maybe Belgium.
When we travel in the US, we find it hard to find some sweets that we actually do like. When you go to a bakery, everything is just oversweet!
And do try a Latte Macchiato! When we travel in the US, we hate to have to put up with weak American coffee. The only place to get a good coffee in the USA is indeed Starbucks.
May 18th, 2008 at 10:55 pm
OMG. Guys!
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Irony
May 19th, 2008 at 11:37 am
Planet Hollywood Munich was shut down in 2001. It was replaced by Hard Rock Cafe
May 19th, 2008 at 11:57 am
sehr nett
ohne ironie-tags ist ironie für manche deutsche wohl etwas schwer zu entdecken…A
May 20th, 2008 at 6:46 pm
Hm, did I miss the irony on 1) Don’t give up on coffee and 2) Bring your own nonperishables? Reading this again with my irony hat on, this is really funny!!
Number 4 “Make sure the one day you spend in Germany is not a Sunday” is not irony though. This is true: No shopping on Sundays!
May 22nd, 2008 at 7:30 pm
ok buddy.
first of all, american chocolate sucks!!!! it’s like brown coloured pure fat.
but i agree with you on the sundays and starbucks
June 6th, 2008 at 4:47 pm
American coffee sucks (tastes like pee, except Starbucks)
American candy sucks (much too sweet and synthetic)
American bedsheets suck (I need my own blanket!)
American social system sucks (lets down his own people)
American food sucks (too synthetic and too fat, thats why so many people look like Roseanne Barr)
American school system sucks (why else are so many US-Americans so stupid?)
American government sucks (starts wars all over the world because it’s easier to destroy families far away, then start helping poor families in their own country)
June 6th, 2008 at 11:26 pm
that was funny… but it seems like nobody gets it right.
June 7th, 2008 at 7:45 am
Some people not only do not get it, they additional make a fool out of themselves by showing it.
June 7th, 2008 at 6:23 pm
The best and cheapest way to travel through Germany without being bothered by German culture is to take every step necessary to ensure that you never set foor there in the first place. You’ll be happier, the Germans will be happier, and us “Amis” who actually love the country, language and culture and have it as our goal to respect the land we live in by making an effort to integrate will certainly not miss any of you arrogant American dopes.
Thank you.
July 14th, 2008 at 3:49 pm
der typ der das ganze dumme zeug schreibt hat keine ahnung von deutschland
such dir ein anderes thema aus vollidiot
September 3rd, 2008 at 9:39 am
Why do without American treats? You can get Oreos, Hershey bars or marshmallows, peanut butter a lot of ohter stuff in many stores now. American food is considered pretty hip here.
So all you guys don’t be afraid of suffering from hunger. We do have more than the golden arches. There is Burger King, KFC, Subway and Pizza Hut in almost every city, too!!
But keep your hands away from German meats. There is much less drugs in it than you are used to. So you could easly be taken sick because your daly dose is missing.